I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
