why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
