just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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