I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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