he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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