WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
