he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
