She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
