Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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