The maid of honor just puked.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
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We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
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Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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