No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Randomize