R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
