some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
