Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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