the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
