When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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