My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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