Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
