I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
