i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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