I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
