The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
