The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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