News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Randomize
