it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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