How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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