So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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