I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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