he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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