I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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