Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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