After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
