I need help removing her.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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