You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
