I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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