Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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