So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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