If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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