I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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