I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
