i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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