I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
