oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
