Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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