the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
