So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
