This is not my ceiling
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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