Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
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We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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