I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I had to cum in my sink.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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