i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
