Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
