you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
