tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
