I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
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