...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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