yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
