apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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