the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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