I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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